Raising a 17-year-old daughter in Pornland

My daughter turned 17 last week.

Two or three years ago I went on a long walk with my then 15-year-old son and we talked about romantic relationships and what a healthy relationship looks like.

I'm also on the board of a Christian school and we have had to deal with lots of issues related to sexual relationships:

1. Gender identity
2. Promiscuity
3. Homosexuality
4. Sexualisation of anything and everything (well it feels like that)

And this experience has made me much more concerned about the risk that my children will become influenced by the wider culture and accept its dysfunctional norms.

Together, I was conscious that I hadn't had the same talk with my 17-year-old daughter.

Mama Bear

I've been reading "Mama Bear Apologetics Guide to Sexuality."  

And in that book, it refers to an eye-opening article from 2016 called "Growing up in Pornland".  That was seven years ago but there's nothing to suggest that the trends and behaviours mentioned in that article have lost their momentum.  If they have, then it's probably because the adoption of those behaviours has reached saturation levels.  

But nonetheless, the level of dysfunction on human relationships is considerable.  Perhaps its nothing new, perhaps its been like that for centuries but now the Internet has made it widespread and its the fact that Judeo-Christianity has made it unacceptable.  After all other societies have objectified woman for thousands of years.

Its only in relatively recent history that woman have been considered anything more than "chattels."  That is objects of personal property for men.

Still, I'd like to think that the biblical norm is the one we'd aspire to rather than regress back to the "good old days"!

Some notable quotes from Mama Bear:

"...what if these chemicals [e.g. dopamine] are released while watching porn?  Yes, the human brain becomes wired to actually crave a two-dimensional image over the real thing -- over a real person.  We literally bond to a screen.  This is actually one of the reasons porn usage decreases a person's likelihood to engage in real-life sex."

"So when we hear people complain about how sleeping with one person for the rest of their life sounds boring, what they're really lamenting is the damage they have created in their own brain that's preventing them from being comforted by the breast of the love of their youth (Proverbs 5:18-19)."

"What happens when you flood your brain regularly with too much dopamine?  Your body says, "Oh!  I guess we don't need all these dopamine receptors.  Let's get rid of a few.""

"...regularly viewing porn decreases the dopamine receptors in a person's brain -- which means, like in all addictions, that the person has to increase their consumption in order to get the same amount of euphoria."

Some notable quotes from Growing up in Pornland:

"Asked, “How do you know a guy likes you?” a eighth grader replied: “He still wants to talk to you after you suck him off.” A male high school student said to a girl: “If you suck my dick I’ll give you a kiss.” Girls are expected to provide sex acts for tokens of affection. A 15-year-old told me she didn’t enjoy sex at all, but that getting it out of the way quickly was the only way her boyfriend would settle down and watch a movie with her."

"I meet girls who describe being groped in the school yard, girls routinely sexually harassed at school or on the school bus on the way home. They tell me boys act like they are entitled to girls’ bodies. Defenders of porn often say that it provides sex education. And it does: it teaches even very young boys that women and girls are always up for it. “No” in fact means “yes,” or “persuade me.”"

"Will I ever find the ONE"

Instead of progress, pornography is taking us back.  Back to a time when woman are objects, pieces of property, instruments of gratification.

I said to my 17-year old daughter, a real, healthy relationship is one where there is not just a physical attraction but also a meeting of minds and hearts.  Your physical attributes will age over time.  Then what's left?  A life-long relationship with your husband ultimately rests on his respect for your heart and mind.  

Delayed gratification brings long term rewards, because it will show whether he has the maturity to engage with your heart and mind.  If not, you must show enough strength of character and self-respect to step back, and no matter how much you got your hopes up that he is the ONE, there is a better person out there.

At our church, there was a delightful presentation given by another 17-year old girl and she mentioned that she often wondered "whether she will ever find her life partner."

I laughed:  With over 7 billion people in the world and over 2.2 billion of them Christians, I don't think any 17-year-old should have a problem finding someone.  The real problem is:  How to choose wisely.

Get stuck in

Instead, I said to my daughter, 

• get stuck into what God has given you to do, 
• get involved in your youth group, 
• plan mission trips, 
• organize soup kitchens for the poor, 
• join bible studies, 
• join Christian groups on campus, 
• build a Christian business or career.  

As you get stuck in, you will meet other Christans of like mind and the rest will naturally follow.

In the meantime, use the time wisely to think through stuff like, how would you like to raise children, where would you like to live, what is God's calling on your life (at least for now)?

Nothing is more attractive than someone who looks like they have got their life together and they know where they're headed.

Here's hoping the answer to the last one, that is, "what they want", is that whatever they end up doing, they bring glory to God and inspires people to want to follow Him too.