Raising a 17-year-old daughter in Pornland

My daughter turned 17 last week.

Two or three years ago I went on a long walk with my then 15-year-old son and we talked about romantic relationships and what a healthy relationship looks like.

I'm also on the board of a Christian school and we have had to deal with lots of issues related to sexual relationships:

1. Gender identity
2. Promiscuity
3. Homosexuality
4. Sexualisation of anything and everything (well it feels like that)

And this experience has made me much more concerned about the risk that my children will become influenced by the wider culture and accept its dysfunctional norms.

Together, I was conscious that I hadn't had the same talk with my 17-year-old daughter.

Mama Bear

I've been reading "Mama Bear Apologetics Guide to Sexuality."  

And in that book, it refers to an eye-opening article from 2016 called "Growing up in Pornland".  That was seven years ago but there's nothing to suggest that the trends and behaviours mentioned in that article have lost their momentum.  If they have, then it's probably because the adoption of those behaviours has reached saturation levels.  

But nonetheless, the level of dysfunction on human relationships is considerable.  Perhaps its nothing new, perhaps its been like that for centuries but now the Internet has made it widespread and its the fact that Judeo-Christianity has made it unacceptable.  After all other societies have objectified woman for thousands of years.

Its only in relatively recent history that woman have been considered anything more than "chattels."  That is objects of personal property for men.

Still, I'd like to think that the biblical norm is the one we'd aspire to rather than regress back to the "good old days"!

Some notable quotes from Mama Bear:

"...what if these chemicals [e.g. dopamine] are released while watching porn?  Yes, the human brain becomes wired to actually crave a two-dimensional image over the real thing -- over a real person.  We literally bond to a screen.  This is actually one of the reasons porn usage decreases a person's likelihood to engage in real-life sex."

"So when we hear people complain about how sleeping with one person for the rest of their life sounds boring, what they're really lamenting is the damage they have created in their own brain that's preventing them from being comforted by the breast of the love of their youth (Proverbs 5:18-19)."

"What happens when you flood your brain regularly with too much dopamine?  Your body says, "Oh!  I guess we don't need all these dopamine receptors.  Let's get rid of a few.""

"...regularly viewing porn decreases the dopamine receptors in a person's brain -- which means, like in all addictions, that the person has to increase their consumption in order to get the same amount of euphoria."

Some notable quotes from Growing up in Pornland:

"Asked, “How do you know a guy likes you?” a eighth grader replied: “He still wants to talk to you after you suck him off.” A male high school student said to a girl: “If you suck my dick I’ll give you a kiss.” Girls are expected to provide sex acts for tokens of affection. A 15-year-old told me she didn’t enjoy sex at all, but that getting it out of the way quickly was the only way her boyfriend would settle down and watch a movie with her."

"I meet girls who describe being groped in the school yard, girls routinely sexually harassed at school or on the school bus on the way home. They tell me boys act like they are entitled to girls’ bodies. Defenders of porn often say that it provides sex education. And it does: it teaches even very young boys that women and girls are always up for it. “No” in fact means “yes,” or “persuade me.”"

"Will I ever find the ONE"

Instead of progress, pornography is taking us back.  Back to a time when woman are objects, pieces of property, instruments of gratification.

I said to my 17-year old daughter, a real, healthy relationship is one where there is not just a physical attraction but also a meeting of minds and hearts.  Your physical attributes will age over time.  Then what's left?  A life-long relationship with your husband ultimately rests on his respect for your heart and mind.  

Delayed gratification brings long term rewards, because it will show whether he has the maturity to engage with your heart and mind.  If not, you must show enough strength of character and self-respect to step back, and no matter how much you got your hopes up that he is the ONE, there is a better person out there.

At our church, there was a delightful presentation given by another 17-year old girl and she mentioned that she often wondered "whether she will ever find her life partner."

I laughed:  With over 7 billion people in the world and over 2.2 billion of them Christians, I don't think any 17-year-old should have a problem finding someone.  The real problem is:  How to choose wisely.

Get stuck in

Instead, I said to my daughter, 

• get stuck into what God has given you to do, 
• get involved in your youth group, 
• plan mission trips, 
• organize soup kitchens for the poor, 
• join bible studies, 
• join Christian groups on campus, 
• build a Christian business or career.  

As you get stuck in, you will meet other Christans of like mind and the rest will naturally follow.

In the meantime, use the time wisely to think through stuff like, how would you like to raise children, where would you like to live, what is God's calling on your life (at least for now)?

Nothing is more attractive than someone who looks like they have got their life together and they know where they're headed.

Here's hoping the answer to the last one, that is, "what they want", is that whatever they end up doing, they bring glory to God and inspires people to want to follow Him too.

Deism and Experiencing God

 

Four months ago, I was asked, "You are an extraordinary person, how did you come to be?"

Surprised, I told them the story of how God had intervened in my life. I finished by saying that "you have heard about God second hand through this story, but when you leave this place, and you are alone, so there is no chance of being embarrassed in front of each other, ask God to speak to you, and when he does, you  will truly have a decision to make."

A few weeks ago, I was in Columbus Ohio, and an African American porter took my bags up to the fourteenth floor to my hotel room. After she put down my bags, she turned and said, "God told me that you have something to tell me, what is it?"

Taken aback, I told her a few of my many encounters with God and she burst into tears. 

"I have been running from God for the last three years."

"In that case, if God has reached out to your in such a special way then if you decide not to run with God, then don't be surprised if he doesn't speak to you again for a long time."

"Why?"

"Because God doesn't like to be taken to be a fool. If he has respected you by reaching out in this way then don't be surprised.

If you had a boyfriend and he treated you with disrespect, wouldn't you step back?

After all, we are made in His image."

Two weeks ago, I was interviewing a candidate for a job. During the interview, he said, "You're a Christian aren't you?" 

 Realizing God was at work, I put aside the interview and we talked about our experiences with God. As we heard each other's stories, he began to weep.

I said, "God is touching you through the Holy Spirit, what is he saying to you?"

"I have realized that my conception of God is too small."

"In that case, we should pray."

Afterward, I said, "you have been through the most extraordinary job interview in your life, go home and pray about what you should do with your life. Find out what God wants you to do. And if you decide not to work here, I will not be offended."

There is a theological school of thought called "Deism," which holds to the idea that God created the world and then steps back to watch how it turns out.

I think that you can tell that I do not support Deism.

In fact, the bible records how God has intervened in the world's affairs, and he continues to do so today.

Jesus said that he knew what to do because he saw what God was doing and then he joined him in it.

God is at work all around you. Watch carefully and when you see him at work, then drop everything and join him.

If you haven't seen him at work in a long time, you may even be doubting that you can even see if him at work at all. Then pray to God who can make physically blind see, that he may give you spiritual sight.

How to use Logos Bible Software's Notebook as a Daily Journal or Diary

 Another tip that is too useful not to save here for future reference:

I received this question from a MP Seminars subscriber:

Q.  I want to use the notes tool as a personal journal. Is there a way to anchor the daily note to the date?

A.  I really like this question because it shows he’s thinking outside the box and wanting to leverage the full power of the software.

The answer to his question is an enthusiastic yes and here’s basically how I responded:

1. Open Notes from the Tools menu (A)
2. Open a calendar devotional such as My Utmost for His Highest (B)
3. Notice today’s date in the reference box (C)
4. Click New Note on the Notes Tool (D)

Notice a new note is created anchored to the day of the year (E)

Type whatever text you’d like for the “journal entry” (F)

For even more power:

Create a Notebook for each year like 2020, 2021, etc. (G)

Place 2020 Notes in the 2020 Notebook (H)

Click the 2020 Notebook in the sidebar (I) to see all of the “journal entries” for that year! (J)

How to rename a Notebook in Logos Bible Software 10

 Here it is.  Found on a forum but too useful not to save here for future reference:

1. Select Docs.

2. Double-click to open the Notebook you want to change.

3. Secret door: Click on the gray-out Notebook icon next to the Filter icon (here I have floated the panel to make screen capture easier).

4. Now you will see the elusive three dots next to the Notebook name. It's all downhill from here...

5. Left-click on the three dots and a drop-menu appears. Select Rename.

6. Type in the new name and press Enter. And you're done.

The tab title (under the top-most red circle) may not change instantly, but it will catch up eventually.